Untitled

She already waited me at the cafe. A cup of tea in front of her as she sat on the same spot I first met her. The difference was only that after I walked through that door, I'll be sitting in front of her, not in front of the bar.

She smiled at me. I didn't. I can't. She stood up, and I knew that she wanted me to kiss her on the lips. But again, I can't. I just gave her a warm kiss on the cheek. We sat together.

It's always been a stress-relieved to see her bright eyes staring back at me like now. How she blink, how she drink, how she laugh.

But just not today.

Those things from her can't make me smile again, and I felt a sudden rush of guilt crawling from my stomach to my head.

"Where have you been?"

I shook my head and stared at her. Her smile won't dissapear, and I was forced to look outside from the cafe window.

"Africa." I said calmly. No more lies for today.

"My god, Walter! Last time you call me you said you're in Italy. What are you doing in Africa?"

"My job, of course. What else?"

"National Geographic sent you to take picture in Africa?"

"No. I...I just wanted to go back there."

"You could've told me...."

I was gone for her. She always said she wanted to go there. She said she wanted to see that place with her own black eyes, not only from the picture I took. I can't do anything more than spread out her dust on that plain grass field of Africa.

Now she'll always be there.

"Jen, I wanted to tell you something."

"That's why you brought me here, isn't it?"

Her tone was still as cheerful as she always been. Optimistic girl.

"It's just not working, Jen."

"What?"

Now I looked at her eyes. Both of them. I have to make her understand.

"Us. I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't.....I can't keep our relationship the way it used to be. I....I just can't."

For a moment or so, I thought I could see her smiled bitterly, but then she just stared at me with empty eyes.

"What's wrong? I thought we were okay, you know...We didn't have a problem, we never have. Why then...."

"I don't understand."

Of course she didn't. That why we're here. I took a deep breath. I can't hide it anymore. I can't resist it anymore. I had spend my time trying to keep her out of my mind. Trying to say to myself that she's gone--bringing all our memory together--and there's nothing I can do to change that.

But just not today. I can't.

"I loved her, Jan."

"............"

"Cera?"

"Yes."

"................"

"Then....what's wrong? I know you loved her, and I truly--I really am--know how painful it is for you to know that she's dead. Really, Walter....I....I just..."

"Just make me understand. Okay?"

"I am, Jan, I am. That's why. I loved her. And I still love her now. I just....I just realized that."

"So?"

"............."

"I can't keep her out of my mind. I just....can't. And it's not right, Jan. It's not right."

"Everytime I'm with you. Everytime I walked out of my room. Everytime I looked at TV....I always remember her. Her, and every memory we've had together. Every single part of it."

"..................."

"It's just...hhh....she's everywhere! When I kissed you. When we make love. When I hold you. I DIDN'T feel you, Jan. I feel HER. Cera."

"Walter...ehm..honey..It's okay if you see me as her. I don't mind, I..."

"But I-LOVE-HER! Not you, Jan. You can't be like her, I can't keep imagine that you are her, even if I tried to."

".............."

A rush of guilt again. But this time, it's different. Suddenly I felt really small. I hoped there's a hammer there, ready to hit me hardly in my chest.

Just to make it dissapear.

"I failed her."

"..........."

"I just keep thinking to call her. Call her, I told myself. But for those fucking one year of me being coward, I didn't. Not in a single day I really do call her. I let her gone from my memory."

"I let her die."

"It's not your fault, honey.."

My words stuck in my lungs. Suddenly it's hard to breath, and I have to take a deep breath...to keep me alive, I think.

"Honey..."

"No, Jan. We can't keep this any longer..I can't keep this any longer. It's like I'm cheating with her, and I won't do that."

"So...you mean...you keep her and let me go? In exchange?"

"............."

"Yes."

That's it, I've told her.

No, I'm not obsessed with Cera. And no, I know she's dead.

But I just want to pay the time I've waste coldly. I want to be with her remains. Her whispers. Her kiss. Her touch.

And her smile. I just want to preserved it, cause in the last, there will be nothing remains from you except memories. And this memories I'll keep until my last breath.

Just for you, Cera.

"Well. Ehm...goodbye...Walter."

And so she's gone.

Jan was gone, and I feel like I can see Cera walking from distance, giving me her most beautiful smile, and sat on the chair that was once Jan's.

I can almost feel her hands touching mine. Softly. And if only she was real, I'll kiss her now. I'll whisper to her that I will go nowhere else. Just being here, with her.

I smiled at her.

You won.

I can't forget you.