on Monday, June 24, 2013
"What's wrong with you?"

My heart beats faster, and I'm nervous. I don't like it.

"Why now?"

........I don't need to bother you with this. Let's talk something happier, shall we?

"You WANT to talk about it. Come on, spill it out."

Hhh.....alright if you insist.
Let's put it in these simple words: I don't know where I'm going.

"What do you mean?"

I'm scared. I'm scared that my dreams and visions are all just...dreams.
I feared that I expect too much from myself without actually able to fulfill them.
I feared that I'm going to stuck here forever. Forever dreaming.
I feared that this is the only job I'll ever get.
I feared that every step I take are steps toward an emptiness.
I feared that maybe I haven't really know what I want.
I feared that maybe I am that stupid. Maybe my grades really reflect who I am and how far I could possibly go.
I feared that all this time I was just trying to find excuses.

"That again? I thought we've done talking about that. Stop falling on the same hole, dear."

Let me tell you why.
I had a job interview last week. I wasn't giving my best--you can even say that I screw that interview.
Honestly speaking, I got interested on working there. I want to give it a try. It's my natural habit to be easily bored at one place and rapidly wants to move to another.

"People made choices. It's okay to turn down an option. Maybe it's for better."

How do you know?

"I don't, sweetheart. Hey, where had the optimistic Georgine gone?"

You see, that's my problem. I start to believe that I am not optimistic, but dreamy. I dream too much.

"Oh come on, dear. People will always judge. They will judge you by your look, your weight, you grades. No matter how good you are, there will always be something to judge. Don't let this one drained you from the usual you."

I'll tell you one more thing.
Yesterday I was talking to a guy whom I met at the church. Apparently he'd spent 6 years in Germany, studying for his bachelor degree in engineering. Excited, I asked his about the minimum standard for language proficiency if I wanted to study there. I told him I already have a ZD. He said it's not enough. They'll require a higher level than ZD.

" What's the problem?"

That means I have to take another course! I have no more time! And don't forget the costs!
Will I ever actually go to Germany? Moreover, how can you be sure that I will be accepted there? What if I'm not? What if they too think that I'm stupid?

"You're not stupid. Don't ever say that."

Huh, how do you even know?

"Look at you now. You have a degree. You were given the chance to earn it. Not everyone has the chance. Not everyone has the endurance. Not everyone has the brain. But you, you have that."

Haha. Look at yourself. You're being too kind to me.

"Pull yourself together, sweetheart. No one can do this but yourself. You don't want to be like one of your frined, don't you?"

Stop talking about other people.

"And yet you compare yourself to other..."

I don't.

"Oh really? Well, stop comparing yourself to other too."

You haven't answer my question.

"Which question? You already know the answer, dear. We've talked about this before."

Yes, I know. But this feels more and more scary than before.
I don't want to be stuck here. I always believe that when someone couldn't find any more dream to fulfill, or if one couldn't figure out where he want to go, then one may as well as dead.

"And your point on this? You want to die?" I love my life too much to even think of dying.

"Look at your blog, dear. See what you wrote there. You said you will never regret anything."

I know. And I tried to. Yet sometimes it's harder to do than to type it down.

"Hold on to it. Try, and try your best to live the way you want to. You said no regret, then don't regret anything. Focus on what's in front of you. Carve your way through the stones."

That sounds heroic.

"Well life is full with small heroic acts. Remember one thing, dear. In order to love other, you must first love yourself. You must..."

I feared that I can't make my parent proud.

".......ah, about that. You know...I can make them proud by being yourself."

Huh? What is myself?

"The one I've always known. The one who always accept the challenges. The one who always want to pursue something bigger. The one who always take chances."

You've been very patient. Listen to my stupid brawl and giving me nice words...

"When you are stressed and tired, you always been like this. Overthinking."

I see that's your closing statement to comfort me. Thank you anyway.

"You're always welcome. Don't forget to pray, dear. It always helps."

Sure will.

The fact that this conversation only happen in my quite pathetic, no?
So I'm using the same troubled mind to console the very mind that is troubled. Like a surgeon who operates himself.
Yeah, pathetic enough.

Selingan di Kamis Pagi

on Thursday, June 13, 2013
Halo, Opa. Apa kabar di sana?
Gapapa, cuma kangen aja. Cuma mau cerita sedikit.

Waktu itu saya abis beli Acer Iconia di pameran komputer terakhir. Sampe di mobil, sempat terbersit kalo nanti sampe di rumah, mau kasih liat ke Opa.
Biasanya kan kalo gadget-gadget baru gitu Opa tertarik. Biasanya juga abis itu Opa pake-pake dulu, coba sana-sini, trus abis itu kita diskusi sama-sama tentang gadget barunya.
Tapi kemudian saya ingat teman berbagi saya sudah tidak ada.

Dua hari yang lalu, waktu saya lagi di mobil, saya perhatikan kalo suara mesin mobil saya terlalu meraung. Saya mau tau apa mesinnya itu bisa disetel sedemikian rupa biar tidak terlalu meraung.
Sempat terbersit sampai rumah mau tanya ke Opa. Kalo soal mesin dan mobil kan Opa paling jago.
Tapi kemudian saya ingat orang yang kepadanya saya biasa bertanya sudah tidak ada.

Kemarin juga. Lampu indikator airbag di mobil saya tiba-tiba menyala. Saya langsung telepon Papa dan bertanya kira-kira ini sebabnya apa, tapi Papa tidak tahu.
Setelah telpon Papa, saya langsung reflek mau telpon Opa. Biasanya kalo orang lain tidak tahu, Opa pasti tahu.
Tapi kemudian saya ingat orang yang kepadanya saya biasa bertanya sudah tidak ada.

Kemarin pulang kantor mood saya jelek sekali. Biasanya kalo saya pulang ke rumah, suara Opa yang riang memanggil nama saya bisa membuat mood saya jadi baik.
Tapi kemudian saya ingat suara itu tidak akan pernah saya dengar lagi.

Yaaa, itu aja sih, Opa.
Cuma hal-hal kecil yang membuat saya ingat kalo sudah 100 hari Opa tidak ada.
BTW, kemarin dulu cucu Opa yang-mukanya-paling-mirip-dengan-Opa itu bertanya soal Opa.

Cuma kangen aja.